Cheeks with her grandparents, MeMe & Pops, on Easter 2007
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely, in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "holy s*&t, what a ride!"
I have always loved the quote in the title. It reminds me that life is short and we shouldn't take things for granted. It goes without saying I think this is a lesson we need to hear. I never dreamed it would hit so close to home.
I've struggled to write this post for over a week. I've started and stopped so many times I lost count. I have so much to say and just not sure where to start or even how much to share.
Wednesday, October 28th, started like any other. I got up & took Cheeks to preschool. I came home to chill on the couch & try to fight off the nasty cold I was coming down with. Sometime between watching "Gilmore Girls" reruns and HGTV my phone rang. It was my grandmother & as soon as I answered I knew something was wrong. You know that feeling you get in your stomach when you JUST KNOW. My first thought jumped to my grandfather. Although he's in pretty good health, he is 75. Things happen. Then my mind ran to my dad, but before I could jump to anymore conclusions, she told me the bad news. My stepmother was found dead in her bed that morning. She had passed away only an hour before I received the phone call. At first we believed it was an accidental overdose. The medical report came back a few days ago. It was actually her liver; it went into acute failure.
And although she technically wasn't my stepmother anymore, she had been a figure in my life since I was only 4 years old. She was there for as far back as I could remember and is so many of my memories. She had been at every birthday, Christmas, Easter & every other family function. The past few years had put a strain on our relationship. Between the separation from my dad and the lifestyle I didn't agree with, we had barely spoken. It had actually been a year since I had seen her.
Life hadn't always been that way. There was a time when we were inseparable. I called her everyday. We went shopping. I shared secrets, hopes and dreams. Even though she was married to my dad, it was like I finally had a big sister. When I was a child, she would dress me up and play make up. I would go to school with crimped hair, side pony tails & acid wash jeans. I learned to love the big hair 80's bands. Stevie Nicks became her own genre of music. The year Fleetwood Mac's reunion CD, "
The Dance", was released it was the only music played in the car or house. I learned every word and it is still some of my favorite songs. She took me to my first concert. A bunch of my friends were going to see Metallica & Candlebox one summer, but I couldn't go without adult supervision. I chose the one adult who would provide the smallest amount of supervision.. She rocked out with us & even got us closer to the stage.
She was there when I began the journey into womanhood. She made me feel like I had joined some special club even though I would one day grow to hate having my monthly visitor. And when I told her I was pregnant at 16, she cried and hugged me. I heard words of encouragement and of the hard lessons she had learned herself at that age. I knew I had disappointed her, but I never heard a word about it. And although my children were not related her by blood, she was their grandmother. She held them in the hospital, rocked them to sleep and loved them from the day they were born. And as I type this, I realized that I am now the same age she was when my son was born. I can't imagine being a grandmother right now. I don't know how she did it so well.
I don't want to romanticize her memory. She wasn't perfect. She was pushy, overbearing, loud, and opinionated- among other things. She had her demons that she fought on a regular basis. But she was family and now she's gone at only 42 years old. There was so much life left, but I know she lived what time she was here to the fullest. She enjoyed every party. You always knew where you stood with her. She didn't believe in being shy or reserved. She put it all out on the table for everyone to see. What you saw is what you got, no explanations or apologies. I, for one, always admire people who aren't afraid to be themselves regardless of what others think.
She left behind two sons, a daughter, a stepdaughter, 7 grandchildren; her mother and sister; an ex husband who I believe she never stopped loving. The only thing she ever wanted in life was to be happy. I hope she has she has found peace and has quieted those demons she fought for so long.
Grief is a funny thing. There are days it hurts so much I can hardly stand it. There are others where this new reality just isn't real. I want to be able to just pick up the phone and ask her a question. Then it dawns on me.. I can't. I will never be able to reconnect or mend the wedge that had grown between us and it hurts like hell. I still have my memories of the good times. Thanks to MeMe, I will always have a great appreciation of red lipstick & nail polish. I have the love that I know she felt for all of us. And she left the things that were most important to her- our family. Although there are still the bad days and the moments I think of something that makes me cry, I'm not dwelling on them. I'm going to live the way I know she would want me to: happy, loud, and by simply being me.
